


Like drops of water carving the stone

by morikuro



Category: the GazettE (Band)
Genre: Angst, Autism Spectrum, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Mild Gore, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:48:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22163563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morikuro/pseuds/morikuro
Summary: He didn't want to be alone. He didn't understand who and why had sentenced him to the everlasting desolation, but he was terrified of it.  [...] It clawed at his insides and made him feel nauseous. Made him feel furious. Made him feel tenacious to fight and break free from the prison of his own fate.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> i randomly decided to translate this old fic to english and also completely rewrite it while i'm at it.  
> hmu if you spot any errors, i'm a non-native idiot.
> 
> happy suffering.

The dull, repetitive ticking of the clock mechanism was bouncing off the pristine white walls, falling down from the sharp edges of furniture in steady cascades, then rolling across the wooden floor like waves hitting against his motionless body, sprawled on the steady surface of the carpet. The distant buzz of traffic blended smoothly in between the _tics_ and the _tacs_ imitating a whisper of wind caressing the surface of a vast sea and if he squinted his eyes just right, the bright orb of the ceiling lamp could just as well be the sun locked forever at its zenith. 

He glided his hands across the carpet, trying to convince himself that the silky fibres slipping between his thin fingers felt soft like the finest sand. He felt at peace. He had to feel at peace. _There was no other option than to feel at peace.  
_ Something growled in the distance, it could be an echo of approaching thunder, making his tense muscles shiver. _He had to feel at peace...  
_ He imagined sunrays warming up his skin, hoping they would make his body relax and soften in a way a bar of milk chocolate does, keeping his shape but giving in under the slightest touch.

He glided his hands across the carpet, the strands slipping between his sore fingers, prickling the wounds like the finest sand.

A loud shriek ripped through the air, something resembling a seagull calling its brethren for a feast. He shook violently, suddenly feeling too exposed, too vulnerable, like he was a stranded carcass ready to be taken apart. The limp feeling in his body turned out to be the rigor mortis wearing off as he bloated and decomposed into mush. The gull wailed again while he curled up, hiding his head in his thin arms. The cry faded off and striked again, louder this time, as if the bird was circling above him and slowly spiraling down to nimble on his taut, pallid skin. He sensed the shadow slithering over his body, growing larger as the cacophony of howls got louder, the frequency of the screech making him tremble. 

"Please, go away" he whimpered, his voice not loud enough for anyone to hear. _"Please, leave me be."_

The shrieks stopped abruptly. As he opened his eyes, flinching at the blinding light, the room was filled only with the soft tic-tacking of the clock and the ringing static noise in his ears.

Without Yuu, the flat was stripped down from all its safeness, left empty and rough and as hostile as every other place in the world.

  
___

  
The dull, repetitive stridulation of the clock mechanism murmured somewhere above him, distorted by the protective layer of soft blanket draped over the curled form of his stiff body. Unseeing, unaware, cradled by the darkness of the night, it made him feel safe. _It had to make him feel safe..._

Except it didn't. The restless rubbing of his feet against each other matched the _tic_ and the _tacs_ , the chirps of crickets grinding their wings at the edge of the dark.

If he squeezed his eyes shut, as shut as he could, there was something akin to the sparks of fire and embers' glow underneath his eyelids.  
If he inhaled deeply, as deep as he could, there was something akin to the taste of campfire smoke on the tip of his tongue.   
If he pressed his ear against the pillow hard, as hard as he could, there was something akin to his sister's giggle at the back of his head.   
If he held his breath long, as long as he could, the giggle turned into a sob choked down in his throat.

He didn't want to be alone. He didn't understand who and why had sentenced him to the everlasting desolation, but he was terrified of it. He was scared to stay on his own at Yuu's place, as he went back and forth between checking if the doors were properly locked to scrutinising if the surroundings appeared safe enough from each and every window. The aggravating dread that someone would come in, hurt him again, take advantage of his loneliness and sadness again, it clawed at his insides and made him feel nauseous. Made him feel furious. Made him feel tenacious to fight and break free from the prison of his own fate.

He got up on his feet abruptly, stumbling and almost tripping on the blanket that wrapped around his legs and rushed to the bathroom, his shoulders meeting door frames on the way.

___

  
The silence was rumbling in his ears, as if he was lying at the bottom of the deepest nook on the earth, so close to the core that he heard its rolling boil rattling his bones. He couldn't tell if his eyes were closed, or if it was just pitch black there. He clutched firmly at his chest, trying to make it stop, to hold it back, numb fingertips nudging the rough ends of a thread resembling thorns sticking out from his skin.

There was a distant thud. Like a firework sent from miles away, except it was the sound that came first. The light followed shortly after. Blinding and deafening like two stars colliding right before his eyes, like staring straight into the headlights of a truck. He winced, pressing his face into the cold, wet rock bottom beneath him, ready to be hit, bracing himself for the inevitable impact that would knock him out and make him feel nothing at all again.

It didn't come.

The silence was ringing in his ears as a shadow loomed over him, embracing him and dragging him up. He tried to keep his eyes open, but the brightness hurt him. He heard a voice calling his name through the static noise and it sounded so familiar, so real.

_"I got you Kouyou."_

His lungs burned with the sense of a déjà vu, he coughed up but they felt full of water.

"Dad I-" he whimpered, licking his lips and tasting salt and sand and something like copper. "I'm sorry."

His lungs burned with the sense of shame as he clawed at the man's knees, closing his eyes and letting himself feel nothing at all again.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."


	2. Chapter 2

Enclosed by the bustling crowd, he felt like a lost soul, anonymous and neither acknowledged nor recognised by a single living being. Calm and static around people rushing into each and every direction, most of them wanting to make it to the nearest shelter, as the rain continued to drizzle. It was one of those mid-autumn showers that hung low above the ground and didn't stop at night, making the whole world look pallid and soggy and so, _so_ sad.

Kouyou seemed to not care about the environs, his attention focused on his slow and precise steps, on the murmur of the raindrops drumming against the concrete, on that unvarying buzz of the surroundings. He couldn't guess if that hum was caused by the car engines or the steady rainfall, or the shuffling of thousands of heels against the ground, or maybe it was just his mind filling his ears with a white noise. He slowed down and stopped, looking up at the grey mass of clouds. He let the drops of water hit his cheeks and slide down his neck to creep under the damp layers of his clothes. The sky seemed to turn darker and heavier, as if it was ready to give in and collapse like an oversaturated earthen dam. He looked around to check if other people noticed the skies swelling up with the weight of the rain, but it was too dark, too blurry.

So it happened, he thought as he suddenly felt his body become a helpless ragdoll, dragged down by the waves that came crashing over the entire city. His vision went dark when he tried to coax his numb lungs to take a breath. The last thing he registered was hitting hard against the sea bottom.

Except the bottom of the sea surely shouldn't waver that violently. Kouyou opened his eyes, blinking the drops of water away. He was definitely not underwater. Against the blaring lights there was a silhouette of a man hovering above him. It felt almost like being thrown back in the past, a dark shadow against the blinding sun the first thing he noticed while he gasped for air, and then the furrowed brow and worried gaze and-

_"I got you, Kouyou"._

He squinted, trying to see through the blur of stinging moisture. Right before his eyes, there was a face of a man he had never seen before, his full lips parted subtly in a perturbed scowl, the dew on his high cheekbones reflecting neon lights.

"You... Got me out?" he asked in a daze, attempting to get back on his feet but noticing that the man had a firm grip on his forearms. His brain worked groggily to connect the dots. Since he could breathe properly and since he was no longer drifted around by a current, that man had to fish him out, somehow. The hood he was wearing slid down from his head but he didn't care about that, considering that his hair and clothes were already drenched completely.

"What?" he heard in response as the man pulled him up and still held at his arms, visibly unsure whether the boy could stand on his own. "Have you taken anything?"

It took him a moment to catch these words, but he didn't understand what the other could mean by that. Taken what? He looked around anxiously, trying to find some clues or at east give himself some time for an answer. A wave of people washed upon the glistening surface of the street, dark and bustling like the sea during a storm. He took a deep breath, the back of his throat sore and rough from _coughing up the salty water_ -

He shook his head to clear his mind, unintentionally also denying the question asked by the stranger. It was hard for him to focus, the noise of the city and the density of the crowd making his thoughts scattered and running aimlessly.

"I- I'm sorry. It's like waves, the people, wet, the crowd, the waves make you drown. Have you drowned, ever?"

The stranger withdrew his hands at that question and looked around, perhaps trying to see whatever the boy was seeing, but his face contorted in confusion and disbelief.

"Yeah, anyway" he muttered, looking back at Kouyou and visibly inching away in something resembling a distaste, ready to go after his own business. "Are you okay now?"

"Yes, thank you. The water in the lungs, peculiar feeling though" said the boy, nodding and gesticulating a bit excessively. It was a habit he couldn't control, his brain claiming that people would understand him better if he visually articulated his words.

"Right..." the other sputtered, not exactly convinced. "Well, if that's so, go hide somewhere. You'll catch a cold in those wet clothes. Have a good day."

He watched idly as the stranger walked past him and picked up a fast pace towards the station. Unsure of his thoughts, unsure of what he was supposed to think. He wished he had enough courage to stop the man, to speak up and ask for help, but he knew he shouldn't intrude anyone's life. That man however, whatever he did, had noticed him. Whatever happened in that moment he had no memory of, that man saved from it, interfered into Kouyou's life on his own. The saliva felt thick and sour in his mouth as he stood there, rain dripping from his soaked, trembling form and the stranger's silhouette sinking into the crowd. He looked around searching for shelter, but everything in sight was wet and lustrous, like a shore released from the high tide.

___

"What are you doing here?"

The shy smile he dared to put on in a wordless greeting dropped from his lips. He couldn't tell if the Stranger seemed annoyed, but he was sure perplexed upon catching a glimpse of Kouyou's frame mirrored in the bank's glass doors. He lowered his gaze to his feet, shuffling them anxiously. The sweatshirt he wore was still slightly damp, plastered to his back like a vivid sticky note blaring _loser_ in capital letters.

"Do you need something?"

He dared to take a peek at the man's face. He didn't look exactly angry. His defined, sharp jaw wasn't clenched tightly and he didn't purse his full lips in discontent. Even the initial shock in his eyes seemed to soften ever so slightly. Kouyou tried to smile again at that question, the chance to ask for something, anything, opening right there before him.

Yet he couldn't. He took a breath but he couldn't put any words together. His smile faded into a confounded scowl.

"If you've put all that effort into coming here, would you at least tell me why?"

A cold, atrocious shiver crawled up his spine, making him wince. He didn't like the tone of Stranger's voice, that tad bit of annoyance making his insides itch with shame. Each second felt too long. He was well aware of those two red dots blinking idly in between the ever-shuffling digits behind his back, locked forever on the screen of the clock above the train station's entrance.

"No, I do not. N-no need, no."

He hesitated, biting his lips with regret, panicked and unsure of what to do, and he turned around, running away aimlessly like a frightened deer.

Going back home was an opportunity and the only reasonable choice, now was the best time to at least change into different clothes or finally eat something. The thought of taking a hot shower has been tempting him from the previous day as he had shivered through the night while watching the rain fall, curled up and rubbing his numb fingers at the stairs of the nearest train station. Buying a ticket wasn't an option, the single 10 yen coin in his pocket giving him nothing but a feeling of burning shame, yet he was so tired that the walk to his flat frightened him. He looked around, scrutinising the people passing by and exhaling deeply, the tinnitus in his left ear switching on and off.

That was his only chance.

He only had time to take a hurried shower, do a quick rinse of clothes in the sink and grab a couple of bills from the sock stuck inside the pillow stuffing. Upon glancing at the kitchen clock, he dared only to swipe two slices of bread from the Enemy territory before it was time to leave the house. He didn't want to roam the streets anymore and even though the desire to talk to someone and ask for help was constantly gnawing at his insides, he had to rest first. The only nearby place that offered refuge at that time was an abandoned storehouse he had stumbled upon after one particular day of helping at a greengrocer's. Usually he chose places out of the neighbourhood, just to be able to sleep peacefully without fearing the he would ever get spotted by the Enemy, but he was just too exhausted to undertake another long walk. The inside of the storage room was dusty and dark, all the windows shut tight with pieces of plywood, but it protected him from the wind and any unwanted onlooker. The makeshift mattress he made out of cardboard boxes was still there, untouched, covered with a thin tattered blanket and a rolled up empty backpack was just enough to substitute for a pillow. It was as much as he could possibly give himself at that time.

He fell asleep with one single thought drifting around in his mind.

He just wished, _oh he wished so much_ , that he had somebody to lean on...

___

It had to be him. He recognised his shiny raven hair, his silhouette, the way he strolled down the stairs. Scrambling to his feet and trying to not cause too much fuss around himself, Kouyou scurried after his Saviour. The rush hours gave him the advantage of people slithering through the gates one after another, not letting the bars close amidst each of them. The only thing he had to do was to pretend he tapped his commuter pass and everything else depended on whether on not somebody noticed that fraud. Holding his breath he slipped between two teenage girls, hovered his hand above the card reader and swiftly moved forward. A short exhale slipped through his chapped lips as he didn't hear any sound of complaint. He pulled at his hood to obscure his face from being recognised or spotted and trotted down the stairs to the platform, eyes focused to not lose the top of Saviour's head among the people. The density of the crowd gave him the comfort of not standing out too much.

When the train doors had closed behind him, an uncontrolled, shaky breath escaped his lungs. Moving directly to the corner of the carriage, he ducked hid head to keep his inconspicuousness, yet he glanced at the man before each stop. How far this pursuit would take him, Kouyou didn't know. The only thing that mattered to him was the longing after a friend that he wanted to fulfil. He tucked his trembling hands into the pockets of his jean jacket and clenched the fingers on the lining, kneading it anxiously. He was scared of rejection. Terrified of it. Oh, how much he would give for someone to call a friend...

A loud beeping got him to snap out of his thoughts and notice that the man was already gone from his spot. He rushed to the exit on an auto-pilot, the train doors about to shut down on his foot when he stumbled out onto the platform. The fear that the Saviour could be gone for several stops already without him noticing rushed through his head and down his spine. The glimpse of him walking down the stairs lit a spark of hope and Kouyou had to contain himself to not run after the man, instantly catching his attention by such an action. Successfully moving through the gates and out of the station was enough to make him exhale again and bite down on his lips to hold a smile. It was a significantly harder task, considering the decreased number of people heading out, so he was glad that he managed to get away with his deceit once again. He tagged after the man, keeping his steps light and measured to match the man's pace.

He had never been to that particular part of the city the Saviour led him to. It looked quite uptown, modern detached houses filling in the gaps between sleek apartment buildings, groups of middle-schoolers passing by in polished shoes, showing off their expensive accessories and refined taste in modern technology.

The man took a sharp turn left and entered a convenience store located on the ground floor of a residential block. It made Kouyou panic, not knowing where to hide and wait to not be spotted, so he chose to hang around the corner and take peeks until his target emerged from the over-illuminated interior of the shop carrying a plastic bag of groceries in his hand. The street they walked down was completely empty and it made every step Kouyou took appear too loud and too obvious. He heard his own breath and heartbeat in his ears, swallowing the saliva made something in his skull click and deafen him when he noticed the man before him look back over his shoulder. He hesitated and skipped a step but continued walking with his head hanging low, following the man into a narrow path uphill.

And that was when the man turned around abruptly and headed straight towards him. The boy stopped in his tracks, frantically trying to decide what he should do, but his mind seemed to work in slow motion, frozen by the man's piercing gaze. He couldn't move from his spot, even though he could just as well turn around and flee. Yet he didn't want to flee...

"It's you" he said, something in his voice resembling a relief, but didn't continue, waiting for a response. Kouyou's mouth felt dry and tight when he tried to swallow again and he took a step back instinctively, unsure of what the man was willing to do to him. The demeanour he had, the demand in his eyes, it made the boy shiver and drop his gaze down. He heard the man sigh impatiently. "Do you want something specific from me? It took you a lot of effort to track me down like this. Do you have any deal in that?"

The Saviour shifted his weight to one leg and Koyou took another step backwards, looking around nervously, his fingertips rubbing against each other, trying to find a piece of skin to pick at. He stayed silent, as if someone pressed a mute button on him.

"You're doped, aren't you?" he asked and came closer in a couple of rapid steps.

"I'm sorry" was all the boy was able to blurt out, jumping back and shielding his head with his arms, hunched and ready to take the first hit. It was like an instinct to him, a manner that came as candidly as holding one's breath under water. "I'm s-sorry, I just w-wanted to..." he tried to collect his scattered thoughts and find himself an explanation, another step taken back. "The world. It's not safe. I'm- you know how, how to s-save."

"I'm not going to hurt you, don't panic" the man exclaimed, something changed in his voice. It sounded softer, still confused but somewhat worried. Could it be that the Saviour was worried about him? Was it possible for anyone to be concerned about his being? "You should be sorry to yourself, it's you whom you're hurting. Can't save you from the drugs."

"No, no drugs, I don't, can't have any" he mouthed, his throat clenched in fear and his whole body trembling. Daring to look at the man before him, he met his eyes, dark and dubious.

"Sure." he shrugged and seemed to be ready to take off and walk away, yet he wavered, as if he weighted up the options of what to do. "Are you hungry? Or maybe you want some hot drink?"

Kouyou blinked dumbfounded, eyeing the man with a new dose of trust. Straightening his back a little and letting his guard down, he dropped his gaze to his shaky hands, sore fingertips scratching against the coarse fabric of his jacket.

"I... Wa-water. A glass?" was all he could ask for.

"Is juice okay?"

Before he opened his mouth to speak, the man lunged his hand into the plastic bag and fished out a carton, reaching it out to him. This kind of offer was impossible to decline, since the last time he had managed to drink something was already a vast memory of the previous day. He opened the cap hastily and latched onto the nozzle, that couple of hungry gulps felt both blissful and raspy in his mouth, yet he found it hard to stop. It reminded him of a barren land hissing softly after being rinsed with water.

"It's late already. Don't wander around here, you better go home. Goodnight" said the Saviour and turned around, giving him a gentle nod in a wordless goodbye. Kouyou sure didn't hope for much, but that pang of hurt that clenched at his heart made him quiver. Where he was supposed to go now, he had no idea, but he was sure that going home was not a wise choice.

"Thank you" he said, avoiding the man's gaze while he handed the juice back out to him, the liquid inside the carton sloshing lightly, creating little waves that were almost enough to make his lithe arms give in and fall.

"Don't worry about it. It's yours."

With those words the Saviour walked away, neither turning back nor looking over his shoulder. And Kouyou just stood there, in the middle of the narrow, uphill street and he felt sad and broken, and so terribly alone, with no place to go, no home to await him, noone expecting his quiet _okaeri_. The jealousy for all those people spending unlimited amounts of time at their safe flats made the grape aftertaste feel rancid and sour on his tongue.

The first step he took was shaky. The second was hesitant. The third came intuitively, retorted with the fourth one.

And then he followed the Saviour heedlessly like a lost soul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i basically use the night shifts at work to write this so please don't judge the poor vocabulary.
> 
> hope it starts to make more sense now. i would also like to note that things written in italics refer to Kouyou's memories, they're like little retrospections (that haunt him)
> 
> again, if you spot mistakes it would be cool if you'd let me know.


End file.
